Ok, so.
My latest journal entries were from 2006!
I'm not dead XD.
Today I felt awful, and I thought, I needed to start writing again, about what I do, what I love, and what bothers me.
I guess not much people will read this, but whatever.
I changed the layout, there are so many changes here on LiveJournal since the last tiem I logged in...
So after a while I'll have my own layout created I guess.
I have other account on other sites, but at the moment I don't feel like tell those.
Since A friend of mine, (oh well friend?), made me pretty much pissed off today.
She cleary doesn't know how I work, how I am, and how I feel, or felt in the past
Nothing is easy, and she just gave her opinion on something.
Which hurted me a lot, and everything she said about me was not true, she cleary didn't see the point of my journal on that site.
I also feel like I should design again, I'm still able to do it :), maybe with some practise of tut's and stuff, I'll be fine!
Oh I feel excited to change the layout of my profile..
However, I had to go trough some hard things, I'm shy, hard working and the only thing on my mind in school.
The things hurted my thoughts lately is my parents psuhing and complaining about that I should get a job and a driver's licence.
Because I'm almost 18.
I want to, I really do! I want to work, and earn money and get my driver's licence.
But hów???
I'm so busy with school that I don't know where to find the time.
I'm also ill and very tired all the time, because I worked too hard tis year for school (and the years before that)
And it's getting to me now, it hurts, and I'm almost on a way to ealry breakdown so I should take it easy.
Is it then, so wrong, to find it hard to get a job, because I really need my vacation?
Apparanttly yes, since one of my friends was being bitchy, and money doesn't fall from trees.
Duh, I know! I'm doing the best I can and no one sees it, believe it, ot understands it, since it works with me in a whole different way.
I dislike myself a lot, I find myself ugly and not one single thing of my is perfect, I lack social interactions.
For me, going to the supermarket with a product that is wrong or not good, is the same as graduation?
Ok bad example, but it works that way, I can be so utterly happy when I find the courage to speak someone that I don't know.
Like yesterday, I somehow asked a stranger in a shop where I could find the pants she was wearing and she pointed it out to me.
And at moments like that, I feel like I can beat the whole world because I was able to ask that!.
Also like I said, I had a hard tme from my parents that divorced, and it still haunts me.
I want it to stop of course, but I can't control dreams or wandering thoughts?
Well yeah, eventually you can with a lot of practise and I'm doing that but first off, I'm concentrating that method on trying to be happy with who I am.
That it is ok to fail, that it's not wrong that something's not perfect. That I'm allowed to do somethign wrong and learn from it.
Because that's so deep inside me, it's hard to change and I always thought that way; It has to be perfect or else..
So I visited people to help me, to help me form hurting myself. But honestly they couldn't figure out what was wrong.
They got to a dead end, and I felt miserable every time I had to go and talk to them, and when I got back, It only got worse.
I helped myself somehow, don't ask me how, but I was motivated to be happy again, and I believe holy in the fact that I focred myself to be good, not to hurt myself and try to be postif. Not the psycishs or other people I talked to, they just made me even more depressed by trying to find out with weird questions about what was bothering me.
Nothing bother me, there was most of the time that I couldn find a reason why I acted that way.
So I thought it was useless and stopped seeing those people, and ever since, I felt pretty much fine.
I do talk with certain peopel at my school, and that's going great. The thing that was bothering me, was the fact my parents divorced, I was only child, and the whole family began a argue/fight, they forced me to choose everyday between my mom and my dad.
If I decicded I wanted to see my mom that day, I got a lot of shit an crap over me from my father's side because "OH my, she likes her mom better than her dad". Which is od course absolutely bullshit! I can't please two sides at the time,  was a young child! What the fuck did they expect from me??
And ever worse things happen, and I always got the blame, because I was right between it.
I was like the girl who delivers the mail between two sides, and Those weren't nice words at all...
And it got me even more depressed because then they scolded at me..

Anyhow, I don't want to talk about it actually, just wanted to sort things out about that friend that made me very angry and sad (crying).
That person is wrong, and he/she will never understand what I went trough, unless you're me.
If you're me, you would know, that I really want to be doing those things, but because of the circumstances, It's hard or me to do.
I'm weak. I know, but I'm doing evey day my best, to look like I'm the strongest person you've ever met.

Johanna.
 

My first Icon Tutorial =D! It's Easy ;-) Hope you understand it.
Made In PSP 9. Should be transferable.

Turn THIS Into:

The tutorial is under the cut!

40 New Icons =D! I Hope I will add more soon ;-)
It's all behind the cut.

Teasers;